Jahn, Poetry, Jahn Poetry, Jahn Poetry Baltimore, Baltimore, Maryland, Abuse Survivor Poems; Poetry about Depression Loss Grieving
Conversations in the Night
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Poems about the dreams, the pain, the longing,
the alone, the fears, the abuse, the love, of the survivor.
The strength of ordinary people in our lives.
The young mother violently abused by her brothers.
The young woman gang raped and left to die.
A homeless woman and her friends who left her.
A young man who cannot leave his room for fear.
A young mother who burns and cuts herself to find relief.
A bi-polar young man who kills himself on Christmas morning.
A professor who finds strength from his students to live.
Poems of beauty, of strength, of memories, of discovery,
of wonder, childhood dreams and monsters.
The past of the future looking forward hoping.
The future of the past looking back wondering.
October 2005 to May 2008
Baltimore, Maryland, Copyright 2005, 2006, 2006, 2007
Comments welcome ... drwho7of9@yahoo.com ...
The judge ordered me homeless
Where do I begin
Heart palpitations
Trusting so trusting
Believing as we are taught
Betrayal
Rising anxiety
Alive with a dead soul
Five hours ago you were here
But who should repent?
Sending missives from the stars
She who was a goddess?
I would shout My Lady
Pain so great
A smile a hello from a friend
Death mocking
Such strength I would have
Cut here then they will not know
The tears in my eyes gave me away
Daemons turned into demons
hiding on the ceiling
Surrender never
Crushed pedals laying wounded on the floor
Tis they who died that night
The lost toy haunts my memory
No longer human
You are you who else could you be
An angel
In tears he listened as I spoke
A vengeful guardian angel
Questions asked that can never be known
Sent to destroy their dreams
Free now for not knowing
Their hopes
A new victim
Showing the world monsters do exist
Whispers on the wind
But if I cut here
This time
Perhaps
Peace will return
Wondering
I am all in a panic
I can feel the cool evening air
I am afraid I blinked and something very important happened
Today I wrapped my arms around my waist
Where was I???
I squeezed just to know
Certainly I had nothing better to do
I just wanted to know if I was still here
The monsters are at bay
For a moment today, the hug of a little one
The traps all set with no cheese
Such smiles and giggles
Real monsters will see the cheese and know it is a trap
We saw a dog today in the car next to ours
Whole unmolested pedals on the floor around the trap
Swinging in the swing our face turned to catch the wind
Monster will walk on each pedal they cannot help themselves
We both pointed and said Dog!!!
But when they leave the proof is there
Holding a little tighter just in case
I shall hide under the blankets today perhaps tomorrow
The little one feeding the toy baby named Tabby
But someone else shall have to turn off the light
It rained today or was that yesterday?
I shall write a poem for a friend
A slow motion day but it went to fast
Perhaps they shall smile at least for a moment
A missive from a friend
Perhaps a rainbow a chipmunk a hedgehog guarding
Decisions to be made
Yesterday wind rain lighting storm raged
I asked God a question today
Today butterflies mosquitoes and dandelions
I knew the answer before I asked
The pedals on the floor I shall not pick them up
Tomorrow is the last day
The cat on full alter eyes glowing in the dark protecting
Where shall we begin?
Forgotten
Recreating the world as we see fit
Post modern war of ancient thoughts
Forgetting the lessons of history
We did not invent pain or beauty
Man’s inhumanity to man
Tears hidden behind made up smiles
The asylums empty
A gift from generations long gone
The homeless multiplied
Dreams held hostage distant and aloof
Promises forgotten
Sleep flees ravenous and wild
Abandoned by most
Forgotten by you
A traveler watching
The soft pedals savagely ripped encircling the floor
A witness
Proof monsters exist refusing to speak my name
Alone
Soon it will be light
albeit belated
Will I lose my soul?
Stained glass
Ahhh, am I still alive?
Filtering light
Did I remember to breathe today?
Monsters trapped
I am a ghost in the life of my friend.
Nowhere to run
Together places vanished away.
Torn pedals
Fingers bleed from touches long ago.
Beauty unspeakable
How long before the memory fades?
Guardian angels
Questions that can never be asked.
The secret garden
Free now for not knowing.
Tears hidden in plain sight
Still, wind rain lightening rage.
The moon where is the moon?
I stand in the center of everything.
Soon it will be light
I vanish in the middle of nowhere.
But who will I tell?
Rivers of emptiness overflowing.
I am penniless
Old man cactus defies the sky.
Can you see me now?
went day
A stubbed toe in the dark
Leaves dropping
A bruised knee
Branches tapping
A toy lost forgotten
Wind blowing
A moment ago
Squirrels hidden
Gutters cleaned
Sounds of alone
Holes filled
Footsteps of forgetfulness
A hug undone
A belated goodbye
Answers never known
Questions unspeakable
Now free for not knowing
Pedals on the floor
My days went from there
Safe now from monsters
Standing alone
I am so in tears
Pedals on the floor
They will not stop
Hidden on the ceiling
I am glad that no one understood
Monsters in my room
Sometimes we write just for God and Angels
The pedals torn the monsters cursed
Sealed up until the final day when men’s hearts will be judged
The pedals awaiting the command of God
I used to think God was angry with me
Have I found my faith or have I lost it?
Old man catus defying the sky
Why won’t she speak our name?
Today was my last day
A dream when yours are gone
I saw myself
A quite voice among the heart palpitations
Her she sitting across from me
A cool breeze when you have no breath
Refusing to speak my name
A strong shoulder when you cannot stand
But a word and I would be free
Understanding that only comes from being there
But still she imprisons me
A warm embrace during sleepless months
Trapped in a moment between the moments
Shared tears when you have no more
He we I us the Blackbird
A rainbow when the colors are gone
Our name is legion
A dream when yours are gone
The wine at her touch is black
heart palpitations
Quick she is coming
A crack in the heavens a rainbow is seen
We asked her to come
Such beauty filled with tears
You would not wake
Banished to the yesterdays of never was
I dreaming
The moon so cold
She warned us
The north star hidden
But we did not listen
My way lost
Where is the Eef?
Beauty seen through the eyes of a stranger
I am lost
Warm eyes now glisten darkness
But not her
Listening for footsteps
Tears in my eyes
Illusions of happiness
I look through our eyes
A friend who listens
Wondering
The colors are gone
Will I awake when she arrives?
Old man cactus defying the sky
Conversations in the Night
My tears speak in the dark
My heart still beats
Eyes flutter to beat away memories
My minutes exhausted
You did not share your world
You are gone in my darkest hour
Forbidden and refused
Alone in despair
Eyes once filled with compassion
Silent sits the toy lost forgotten
Butterfly wings laughter and smiles of little ones
Whisper and I will hear you
Standing in the shadow of memories
I vanish away
My heart palpates at a thought
Flashes of white light I stager numb
I hold your memory in my heart
Until the fatal day that it fades and ceases to haunt
This ghost, this lost soul
Praised by some abandoned by most
Bowed to the ground I cannot stand
I cry to God overwhelmed when I am alone
Whispers in the dark
I shall give you all my minutes
I know not what I will do with them
Would you give them a good home?
Contribute to society
Hug a little one
Help a homeless person survive one more day
Make someone's burden a little lighter
See the beauty through their eyes
But with my minutes you must take my tears
I have been unable to separate the two
Learning to fly in the dark
Hiding from monsters to close to run
Penniless hoping praying dealing with God
He listens mostly
It is enough he is there
The Missive
I wrote you a letter
A missive from my heart
I was afraid to send the letter
Filled with all I had to say
I read the letter each new day
Looking for strength in what I wrote
Each day a line had vanished
I know not where they went
It has been two years now
I found the courage one day
To send the missive
A letter from my heart
I picked it up to read it
The missive from my heart
I found the letter empty
No words
No feeling of my heart survived
Are there no more words to be said?
My heart as the missive
It is empty
I wish I knew what to say
But the words have all vanished away
unable to trust myself
and there we are
we and you n us and I seeing knowing
the beauty through your eyes
tears and hurt and dreams as one
whispers in the wind n leaves tapping
entangled elusive moments connected
I am forever in the past
the depths filled with great mountains
majestic powerful storms lightening raging
eyelashes fluttering as butterfly wings
lighting the path bringing calm
warming the soul and heart
moments of knowing of being
believing in you
looking to the sea touching dreams
surrounded by life
squirrels rabbits hedge hogs guarding
we climbed trees explored secret places
giggles and smiles
puppy dog tails n kisses and hugs
heart palpitations wonder
waiting hoping a dream away
unable to search new eyes
your heart still beats within
unable to hear a heartbeat
your eyes still haunt my dreams
you left me sitting in the tree
the only one to see my world
A ghost in the life of my friend
Then I shall change my eyes to Bluer than Blue
Shall your charcoal eyes ever glisten?
The madness
I shall look your way
After the wind rain storm lightening rage
The shadows
I will be under the moon when it follows you home
Where do memories hide?
The Sounds
I will wait five hours in the past
Was not your heart asleep curled up in your bed?
Protected by fierce warriors of the night
The Eef visited tonight
The dolphins I do not know where they are
No one cried but me
I did not call the minutes had vanished away
The secret fears we dare not speak
Moon beams where you stood
The ancient library filled with your poems
Creating beauty to fight the alone
A rainbow a heart a flower alone
Tears streaming down my face
Ogres, Trolls, Monsters, Gnomes, the traps all set
I have no cheese
Eyes fluttering to see to survive but one more moment
The hug of a little one
The meow of the cat
The river of emptiness filled with hope
Giving strength to endure one more day
I kept the poem if only for me
Tears of pain replaced with tears of release
Feeling warm inside your coat
A mansion a hearth a trailer park princess alone with her dreams
A New Year
Memories are banging at the door
Shall ghosts vanish away?
Shall I let them in?
Smile and giggles of little ones
They bring the wind rain lightening storm
Chipmunks squirrels hedge hogs guarding
Then the tears return
Monsters Ogres Gnomes Trolls under the bridge
Together places now alone
Rainbows and magic
Sadness is all that remains
Prison of kindness
I had a dream I told her so
Worms hiding afraid of the cold
In the dream I never drove down her road again
The woods her home
She told me the dream was true
Warm inside of your coat
It is starting to rain
Your heart hugging you calling you mom dad
I cannot relive the past two years
I want a new year unlike the old
I will loan you my tears
Broken
Entangled
Abused
Unable to stand
A prison of kindness
On the clouds I fly
Unable to breath
The traps are set with no cheese
Trees shedding blossoms of purple
Shaking in palsy
I pretended it was a normal day today
Old man cactus defying the sky
Dark empty tears
I dared dream
Missive from the stars
Streaming
Perhaps if I open my eyes
No trespassing written in Elf
Every hour on the hour
Beauty beyond words
So many like them they know who they are
Tears return
The future of the past grieving
The men in her life let her down
Exhaustion
Unable to ask
She said she was not whore
False smiles
Roses refused
The woods her home
How are you today?
Hedge hogs demanding friend or foe
Deep golden tans
Quite well, Thank you for asking
Lost moments.
Talk of bravery
Hours slowly turn to days
Thank you's never said
I never went to math camp
Days to weeks
So many reasons not to believe
I never did see a flying saucer
Tears of pain turning into tears of release
Strength replacing pain
Were you a dream?
The tears never stop
Whispers in the wind
Worms hiding afraid of the cold
I am sure someday
Always hiding from you
On Christmas I will call
I will be fixed
All roads in hell lead back to here
Fingers bleed from touches long ago
Not today
Did you speak or was it the wind?
Lies no longer hidden
Can you see the beauty?
daemons ravenous and wild
all that was lost
mocked
pain and great loss
made to pay and pay again
letting go
wind rain lightening storm rage
darkness surrounding
strange orbs of lights odd sounds
dead poets society
the dolphins screeching
Your tears the tears of the Eef
the blue rooms empty
I shall not join
such beauty in the ordinary
not a prisoner
gently falling leaves as a soft rain
forgiveness
remembering
compassion
protected
all things new
angels pass by protecting
I never left
saying good bye
Penniless but not alone
My heart is beating
how would we do it
never-ending tears a release
The trees are changing
different
a whisper in the wind
A chill in the air
if we knew
a crack in the heavens
Why is your heart so heavy?
the last time we met
I am safe because of you
The squirrels had hidden away
would be the last time
monsters defeated song birds singing
What about us who had to wait?
would you still turn away?
daemons in hiding for fear of light
I want to believe
as I walked away
little ones laughing calling to you
My tears never did stop
you never saw the tears streaming down my face
imagination reality colliding
The cost is too high
here I am
just you
Me
there you are
being you
I never left
Finding yourself
Love is not a guarantee
for happiness
for kindness
for compassion
for peace
for trust
for tolerance
for respect
for loyalty
for fulfillment
Love is not a solution to your loneliness
Be my friend
Keep your promises
Be honest with me
Help me
Be faithful to me
Forgive me
Understand me
Do not abuse me
Accept me
To find
happiness Accept others
kindness Do not abuse
compassion Understand
peace Forgive
trust Be faithful
tolerance Help those less fortunate
respect Be honest
loyalty Keep your promises
fulfillment Be the friend of many
You must first love yourself
for you i tremble
tears flooding in a release
the darkest of dark
the cutters and burners of self
to force one tear to drop for a moments peace
perhaps an hour the birds will sing music play children laugh
then the terrible darkness returns again again again
the pain almost a friend but not
journey made light by carrying another's burden
those who escape this world of pain from the darkest of the dark
are they still prisoners?
does God wipe away their tears?
tell me of the beauty you see?
hoping to make me stay
powerless to leave
flowers cut and placed on the table
for him
for you I tremble
Broken no more
We are entangled ~it seems
Penniless but not alone
Your voice haunts my dreams
Never-ending tears a release
A prison of kindness stronger than bars
A whisper in the wind
Surrounded by beauty
The tempest in angst
He says he loves you
A crack in the heavens a rainbow is seen
He cares for you takes you on walks and drives
I am safe because of you
He is allusive foreign
Monsters defeated flowers are gone
The students are gone
Hedgehogs guarding
The chipmunks hiding
Song birds silent in my dreams
Daemons in hiding for fear of light
Old man cactus standing guarding
Beautiful smiles such hope
Little ones laughing calling to you
Imagination and reality colliding
The moon concealed
A hug and all is undone
Your heart so full
Hidden in plain sight invisible
So much pain a moment an eternity
Sleep flees always on guard
So much joy aloof
So tender but I am not free
So much hope alone
Seeing beyond the dreams
… So much beauty
Entangled entwined not one
So much grace pleading
Monsters hiding gnomes reporting
Just you
The traps all set with no cheese
Being you
Who are you?
My face in my hands
I dare not look
Tears hidden behind false smiles
I thought
I hoped
I dared dream
Perhaps
If I looked it would be real
Birds chirping
Chipmunks gathering
Little ones giggling
I open my eyes
Demons grotesque raging
Your smile
The rainbow such beauty filled with tears
Submission
Layers upon layers
Beauty beyond words
Each layer leading to the next
Each layer enabled by the past
The past of the future looking forward hoping
The future of the past looking back wondering
The lost
The hoped
The found
The forgiven
The remembered
The secret
Submission painted blindly
Can I exist, could I exist, should I exist, might I exist, in this universe without you?
What happened I need to know?
Questions mocking that can never be asked
Answers not existing in this time or place
When the answers come they will not matter
You are banished to the yesterdays of never was
The heavens brass echoing my cries
Heart palpitations at a thought
A rainbow of tears
Dreams never ending
Hope never ceasing
Tears of darkness falling unnoticed
Roses enshrined in ice crystals
Beauty in the ordinary
Song birds quite
Old man cactus guarding
Hedge hogs demanding friend or foe
The river of emptiness raging
The mountain of hope wind rain lightening raged against
But yet, the wind whispers hope
Jahn and ExoticIsMe
Too many dreams
Too many tears.
Too many broken hearts.
Too many unanswered questions.
Too many dreams shattered.
Too many lost friends.
Too many sleepless nights.
Too many promises broken.
Too many sacrifices unknown.
Too many thank you’s never said.
Too many lost moments waiting hoping longing.
Too many voices.
Too many reasons not to believe.
Too many words unspoken.
No longer owned
Depression when you no longer own your mind
Strength replacing pain
The moon so illusive
Slavery when you no longer own your body
Dignity replacing despair
The stars hidden concealed
Madness when you no longer own your sanity
Calm replacing panic
Flowers enshrined in ice crystals
Hatred when you no longer own your soul
Forgiveness replacing the empty
Beauty from the ordinary
Addiction when you no longer own your free will
Rainbows replacing blackness
Universes colliding embracing
Abuse when you no longer own your heart
Kindness replacing brokenness
Wind rain storm lighting rage
Death when you no longer own your breath
Butterflies replacing caterpillars
Whispers in the wind
Forgiveness
Nothingness hiding in the shadows of existence
Dreams replacing delusion
Wind Rain Lightening Storm raging beauty
Mind seeing beyond the real
Dreams hide from Nightmares
Faith beyond deceptions
Peace dispels Despair
Spiritual inner peace returning
Fear turns to wonder
Strength learned from pain
Love embraces Hate
Heart palpitations at a thought
Me You once us
Tears stalk without mercy
Now alone
Hoping
Empty
So close
So far
What was
What could of been
Questions asked that can never be answered
What I am now
What I am becoming
More
Full
Strong
The moon so cold
Fall is here
With the spring the song bird will return
Children will giggle
Hedgehogs will guard
Guardian angels will attend
For now
One hour
One day
One tear
At a time
Raging
My heart palpitates at a thought
Tears stalk without mercy
The heavens brass echo unheard
Demons prowl
Angels pass by unaware
Sleep flees
Memories flood
Loneliness unbearable
Despair loss of hope
Colors pale and are lost
Songbirds withhold sweet melodies
Questions mocking that cannot be asked
Wind, rain, storm, lightning rage
Illusions of death
Gentle falling leaves as rain
Ground hogs squirrels had hidden
Preparation for a long winters nap
A bag of frozen peas
A fist instead of a kiss a hug for mom
Numbness shame silence betrayal
Rivers of emptiness frozen over
Mourning loss tears without end
Unable to stand tears as ice sickles
Dreams and lost dreams in reflection
Daggers coming from your mouth
What happened to the love between mother and son
Song mirth love replaced with self pity profanity
The sun gone dark the moon blood
Things done spoiled expired
The cross became a thousand pounds
I need to find memories to let me sleep
Laying awake fearful of you sleep flees
Fly away and talk to God you used to be my angel
A son turned into a daemon filled with demons and empty
When you call to God the heavens echo
The moon must bring me peace
Eye lashes fluttering to beat away memories
The land that made me me
Drive in movies.
Gas 25 cents a gallon.
Spring water could be drank.
Flash Gordon.
Fleix the cat.
The Jack Benny show.
Lawrence Welk.
The cold war.
Transistor radios.
Nuclear testing in Nevada.
The eyes have hills a documentary.
Fonzie.
Leave it to Beaver.
Father knows best.
Andy Griffin.
Cow boys and Indians.
Cow boy boots.
8 GigaByte Memory Sticks.
I must have blinked.
Microsoft Word cannot spell Felix, Welk, Fonzie, strange.
Too Remote
My mind my heart
A cipher unknown
Wandering in strange realities
Hearing the rain drops sooth
Dragons ladies knights sorcerers
Rainbows filled with tears
Sorrow and jubilee
A place where dreams are real
Flowers of such beauty to fight the alone
A valley filled with 4-leaf clovers
Memories floating dust bunnies hanging
Never before has one found the way
Hidden invisible boundaries
Whisking in the wind
I spy you in a dream
Shadows colours grey clouds swirling
I see him in your dream
Your heart once beat with his
I want to run and hide you cannot see me
This place within a place a thought within a thought
Just as I was ready to touch you
You vanish from my world back into yours
Tea and Biscuits My Lady?
A Rainbow of Tears
But a whisper
Watched by our daemons
Taunting despair with lust
Nothing without them
The lady of darkness possessing no soul
I shall not join the dead poets society
Empty tears falling into nothingness
Least they read my poems
Desiring beauty finding none
Compassion learned from sorrow
Listening for footsteps
Dreams in the ordinary
Branches tapping
Flowers blooming
No sound heard
A world made of nothing
Little ones cry hungry
The shadows are black and blue
Hoping for a savoir
Waiting for it to end
Helping when no one is watching
Friends for a day lovers forever
My heart destroyed a sacrifice for a god
Walking the river of emptiness
Shadows
I am home
Penniless
I am homeless
A prisoner on the dark captains ship
My dreams vanish before me
I run from daemons
I wake in the middle of night
Seeking peace in riotous living
I stumble to the floor
The shadows are black and blue
In darkness I search
The library so cold
I find nothing
A moment of beauty
I find everything I am looking for
I am powerless to fight
Tears as emptiness drop from my eyes
Wind rain storm lightening rage
I think of you
Standing in the center of everything
And I wonder
Alone in the middle of nowhere
Am I free but at what cost
Compassion learned
Pleading for justice
Hoping for mercy
The somewhere of nowhere
dreams learned from sorrow
the room is blue
hiding from demons
a world made of nothing
Beauty magnified a thousand fold
the library is cold
hiding from love
a world made of everything
a moment of peace
the lobby is neutral
hiding from reality
we are both tied
a moment of beauty
the steps are marble
hiding from hate
where are the colors
a rainbow a memory
we stand and stare
hiding from you
friends for a day
Broken
My pen is broken or so I am told
and has been for the last 30 years.
But it seems to get worse each passing year.
I am empowered by my pen.
My pen gives me strength.
I am a change agent.
Things change wherever I go, whatever I do.
However, those who love me outnumber
those who hate me.
Those who hate me soon or latter
mostly latter learn to love me.
For now, I stand alone.
I fight to protect those who are powerless
to protect themselves.
I protect those who oftentimes do not know,
they are being protected.
I protect those who protect us.
Strange.
Would I die?
Oh to chose to be numb.
But the real world seems to break through
and punish you for hiding.
A double dose of pain tonight for you.
Numb by the hour.
Then it is time to pay.
Ten minutes of tears in palsy.
Each hour on the hour day and night.
The ritual continues.
Then one day an hour became two.
Two became four.
I watch the shadows the darkness.
Would I die if I cried again?
When I die
When I die, my father will meet me.
He will take my hand look into my eyes
and say what did you do with my name?
How do I answer him?
Do I tell him about work, about all my awards?
Do I tell him about my degrees and education?
Do I tell him about my family?
Do I tell him about the homeless lady I helped?
Do I tell him how I loved my mother?
What would you say?
Absent
So much going on right now.
I am lost in the blueness.
Work and meetings returning.
The ancient library it is cold.
My attention turned other things.
I am not returning.
Writing University Children.
I pretended it was a normal day.
They will be leaving soon - for good.
But a whisper as you passed me by.
The summer here has been so terrible.
Country roads chandlers small streams.
Lately has the sun shone.
Counting headstones as tears fell.
The skies gave up their latent blueness.
What happened to all my friends?
I am not happy right now.
I went about my tasks.
But still I write.
A great hunter sitting on a stump.
Perhaps Autumn will transpire.
Trees the mountains a secret place.
Giving me my life back.
No one but me can rock my grandchild.
I am floating on the lea of other's.
Clear streams mountain roads turning.
Their wishes.
Dog barking as if a wave.
Their demands.
Will I dream again of beautiful things?
No time to be selfish.
The homeless lady with a gift I made her cry.
Although I long to be so.
I could be her if I ignored the bugs.
I saw your photographs
Did you speak or was it the wind?
sitting with your grand daughter
Speaking in Elf eating a popsicle dreaming
you look so happy and content
Mom said not to get any popsicle on her blouse
your poems are sad
A dark tear glistened as it fell
I do not know how you are really feeling
I smiled as I thought of you
I cannot respond to them
Rainbows in waterfalls
in the sadness
The smiles of little ones
but I think of you every day
I searching the universe for answers
I am lost
Floating in a sea of mathematical creations
you are lost
My sadness is less
we have the past
You visit the blue rooms less
we can smile
Your voice so far away
but as for the future
One by one
we have to create a new one
The we of I vanish
new dreams
Beauty in the ordinary
new rooms
A new puppy named Lola
new libraries
She is white the flees cannot hide
new vista's
With the fluttering of your eyes
let us create
The lies all vanish
another scenario
A pottery shop in the shed
where all is green
A chicken coop with chicks
and yellow
Soon it will be cold
a new colour scheme
A mountain in the back yard
for tomorrow
Too steep to climb
it is useless to be blue
Will I dream again of beautiful things?
it gets us no-where.
Come see my secret world it is alive
One by one
My eye lashes flutter to beat away memories.
Tears coursing down my cheeks.
The we of I sees the little one so long ago.
Her hiding so she would not be found.
Betrayed by those who should have known.
Wind rain storm lightening raging.
The cliff walls crumbled to form the sills of hell.
The prisoner freed her tears replaced with smiles.
One by one the we of I vanish away leaving only her.
My guardian angel
Compassion learned from pain so great.
A guardian angel you have become.
Vision and sight are yours to command.
To know without seeing and to hear without hearing.
For yours is now to hear the silent cries.
To feel the hell that others feel as if your own.
It is not a curse.
A gift from the unseen.
The base the daemons are yours to expose.
At your word they shall be banished.
At your command freedom given.
Yours eyes penetrate and see beyond darkness.
Lies to you do not exist.
With your pain the alone no longer mocks.
With the fluttering of your eyes years of lies fall away.
Your shield your truth your strength your hands holding such power.
Your duty first protect at any cost.
Your duty last to forgive and forget.
Dark Place
I have been trapped in this dark place.
Its pain and alone more than we can bear.
Walking the river of emptiness.
Our heart beating empty alone so loud.
Wind rain storm lightening rage.
Standing the middle of everything.
The center of nowhere.
Alone you look up and cry dark tears.
You fall to the ground having no strength.
Angels pass by unawares.
Demons prowl mocking raging tearing at your soul.
Eye lashes fluttering to beat away memories in vain.
We she I her me us born that day.
The Eef carries us broken penniless
safely away to the blue rooms.
We find distractions in the ancient library.
Pondering wondering existing waiting.
Looking for dolphins.
The Dark Captain
I saw myself a prisoner on the dark captains ship.
The dark captain a cruel taskmaster.
We land in port the whores overflow the ship.
I am powerless to fight.
I yearn to be free.
But the price must be paid and paid again.
All roads in hell lead back to here.
Running only makes you sink deeper into the fires burning in the mind.
Just a drop a pure water to bring me peace for but a moment is all that is desired.
Thinking we are free we discover too late.
Freedom misused at such a cost.
Morality immorality the consequence not ours to choose.
Abuse neglect desertion running fans the winds.
Dark Captain pay me now for my years of service.
Ahhh, you had your pay in riotous living.
Whores surrounded you and sucked you dry.
You may leave my employ naked alone penniless.
But first Prometheus fire will be lit in your mind.
Pain alone despair will be your lot.
You may go free but a prisoner you will remain all the days of your life.
Smile
But a whisper as you passed me by
Did you speak or was it the wind?
Alone aloof the stars were dim
The fairies asleep no magic to be found
Peering eyes through the woods
A great hunter on a stump
The trees the mountains a secret place
A day as a year a year as a day
Entangled long ago seeking now to be free
A dark tear glistened as it fell
A trailer a castle filled with hearth love and peace
A baby puppy eyes now open cries nuzzling
Its papa strong fierce loyal both long to be held
Illusions of death illusions of life
Rational and irrational coexisting never touching
Standing in the shadows of memories
Suspicion is black and blue
Secrets hidden never asked
Ground hogs squirrels hidden
Preparation for a long winter nap
Ice crunching frozen in time
I am choosing peace over truth
I smile I pretend I answer I am doing well
The hand that steadied withered away
Country roads chandlers small streams
Worms all died moving on
Silo’s filled winter preparations complete
The days growing shorter relief from heat
No oil nor wood to warm the hearth
My friend adores me I tell them so
Will I dream again of beautiful things?
What happened to all my friends?
Counting headstones as tears fall
Rainbows in waterfalls
Blue Ridge Mountains
Mountain Bass children dreaming
In a panic gasping for breath
My friend wrote me today
I pretended it was a normal day
I went about my tasks
As if a thing in passing I read the mail
I wrote a reply again and again
They never were read returned address unknown
Your smile is poison to my soul
Lost in the Multitudes
I could have been a stranger
I was broken alone
but I learned myself
Understood by a friend
I could have been a scholar
I was abandoned abused
but I unlearned myself
I teach young minds to grow
I could have been a carpenter
I am a trailer park princess
but I am a daughter
Can you see me now?
I could have been a dancer
I hold my children to stop the tears
but my limbs are self conscious
Crippled by adolescent arthritis
I could have been a signpost
I create beauty to fight the alone
but I cannot stand still
Eye lashes fluttering
I could have been a mariner
I am a dreamer in the storm
the Atlantic disliked me
Wind rain lightening storm raging
I could have been a milliner
I stand proud in spite of all
but hats don’t suit me
Standing in the center of everything
I could have been a wife
I walk the rivers of emptiness
but I panicked
In the middle of nowhere
I could have been a tailors’ dummy
I am bowed to the earth
but I cannot keep silence
My pen writing what I cannot say
I could have been a mistress
On the clouds I fly
but I am prudish
Dressed in red yellow white
I could have been a man
I am dignity grace and beauty
but biology evaded me
Surrounded by friends alone
I could have been a bird
I am frozen in the wind
but I cannot fly
My wings touched heaven
I could have been a book
I am bound and sealed
but fear no-one would read me
Covered in dust
I could have been a mirror
Truth reflects in my eyes
but my reflection eludes me
Your heart I know
What am I? I cannot say
I am many and varied
and lost in the multitudes
Lost in the Multitudes
Diane and Jahn
Looking down
My shadow surrounded by rainbows
Tree shedding blossoms of purple
Where did you come from?
The moon so far so allusive
The sea raging storm clouds flashing
Old man cactus rivers of time
Do I love you?
The stars hidden concealed
Gliding above clouds mountains dreams fate
Trees painting the skies
What is this secret place where tears are born?
Flowers in bloom enshrined in ice
Forgiveness mine to give not yours to take
Missives from the stars
Look up what do you see?
Lies no longer hidden
Masterpieces enfold before my eyes
Yellow bird so small dancing in the wind
Can you love me?
In the shadow of memories I vanish
Walking sticks stepping stones
Demons held at bay
Are you real I need to know?
Wind blowing branching tapping
Field mice so terrible so frightening
A tear drops it is not dark
Do you see the storm?
Eyes flutter memories flee
My Penny my friend in the eyes of little ones
No trespassing written in Elf
How can this paradox exist?
Fractured not whole concealed
The shadows giving way to light
Entangled long ago
Am I predetermined to madness?
It rained last night
Big brown watery eyes
Questions with no answers
Dreams unfolding
Tears at a touch
Sigh I am not him
The weight of the chatelaine
Alone and not
Safe in the ancient library
The blue rooms so many so many
Caterpillars butterflies beauty surrounds
Tears lost in memories
Shaking in palsy
Missing you in a dream
Healed
I am a ghost in her life
The roses in bloom
Dinner at eight
Hedge hogs guarding
friend or foe tell me now
The others
like them
they
we all know someone
who is one of them
you know who I am talking about
you cant say their name
they will know instantly
they are everywhere
the dog
Ashamed
Her skin darkly tanned
No boils scratches burses or plague
Her smile had such warmth
Her clothes were neat
She was cautious
Her eyes never moved for fear
We chatted for a minute
She was busy about her task
She held a cardboard sign
Homeless
She was sick alone discarded
She brought a tear to my eye
I gave her my number
I begged her to call in vain
The men in her life all let her down
I asked her what I could do
She said she was not a whore
She stole my heart
I prayed to God for all her dreams
I opened my wallet and gave her all
I wished it was more
She had to hurry to catch the buss
After I walked away she counted what I had left
A tear came down her cheek
She cried out thank you
She was afraid of being robbed
A queen noble beauty grace and charm
The woods in Baltimore her home her life her all
Arthritis pain too sick to work
Depression took its tool
Her hair was long silver neat and combed
I am ashamed I looked for bugs
Gnomes
we lived in a very old house
there were noises in the attic
the sound of galloping horses
I laid awake at night
listening fearing looking waiting
we had a big Siamese cat
I would hold the cat
and go to sleep
I could not find the cat one night
my sister had hid it from me
I knew they were getting closer
were they in the bed with me?
I pulled the blanket down
there under the blanket
was a gnome staring me in the face
suddenly my soul was filled with panic
the room went black
a giant black face stared
I could not scream
I could not move
paralyzed in fear
from this other worldly creature
the gnome fed on my terror
when the aberration vanished
I folded up the blanket
laid it gently on the floor
I the morning I carefully picked up the blanket
and placed it in the washer
I selected HOT wash warm rinse extra soap
when I pulled the blanket from the dryer
no sign of the gnome was to be found
Do I have to put my shoes back on?
I remember
taking my shoes and shirt off for the summer
not putting them back on until school started in the fall
sneaking into 7-11
when the clerk was not watching
no shirt no shoes no service
we would buy our candy and run out giggling
deep golden tans
swimming at the neighborhood pool
long bicycle rides
talk of bravery
exploring underground tunnels that went for miles
searching the skies for flying saucers
endless talk of girls and what we thought they liked
we never knew
sleeping in the back yard tent for the summer
homemade firecrackers
designing an intergalactic super computer
endless game of tag after dark
with the girls watching
little brothers
big sisters
day old cupcakes two for a nickel
dreaming of a stopwatch
keeping an eye on a neighborhood pedophile
he tried to molest us once
crew cuts
abbey road
Vietnam
my parents never sent me to math camp
I applied to IBM they offered me job
until my sister told them how old I was
I scored a perfect 100 on their test
I think I was 11 maybe 12
it took me two weeks to get all the answers right
I was so mad at my sister
my best friend was bi-polar
he never went to college
he read 3000 books then he killed himself
I applied to Microsoft 30 years ago
they asked me to design a Device Driver
I was a mathematician and a member of Mensa
I did not get the job
I am giving a talk tomorrow
designing trusted Device Drivers
I wonder if IBM or Microsoft will be there?
when I retire I am thinking Phoenix
I never did see a flying saucer
I think my bi-polar friend was wrong
He saw them all the time
do you still have to wear a tie to work at IBM?
I could never wear a tie
home made ice cream in the winter
pine nuts at grandmas in the fall
cleaning my first fish
summer is almost over
I will
catch you if the moon will not
hold a candle for you if the moon hides her light
call your name when you are lost
listen to you when no one knows you exist
cry with you when you are in pain
love you even if your heart grows cold
whisper your name to the angels
fight your daemons
give you my strength
Dementia (She We I Us You Her are ONE)
We knew better but do you listen to us?
Yes you always were the last to know
We often discuss such things
Yes she is the wild one
Always correcting us
Keeps us all informed
Some one has to be in charge
Does editor know that I wonder
Sometimes it is a party when we are alone
For the record I voted against
We gave all our pain to you, you bear it well
We do wonder though it is all so beautiful and ugly
The thing is always greater than itself infinite boundaries
We puzzled and pondered the meaning
Is there something more?
Where is our spilt-a-part?
Is he real we do not know
Yes you are the I we are here
We protect you hide you love you
Sometimes the pain breaks through
The I of us sobs for days on end
We remove the pain little by little till you smile
We want I to be at peace
The lover the friend the poet the spilt-a-part all here
The spilt-a-part is the only one who knows we but not I
She mocks us she has a Siamese Cat she knows we sneeze
The mousetrap has no cheese but it is set
We are afraid of gnomes but not I
And ribbons of Blue and White
She speak with the Eef and the Lord and The lady
I puts on lotion long luxurious baths
She is cold and wanders the river of emptiness
Her pain and alone is too much
She does not know I or we
She sees so clearly
The wind rain lightening and storms of life
She is strength compassion understanding
Filled with such passion and fire red hair
Fainting spells rosella rainbows dark tears overflowing
I is a teacher she a philosopher we her muses
We live in the Blue Room the Eef takes care and protects
Water Violets & Tulipwood
(She We I Us You Her are ONE)
Order neatness class instruction
She the mother
I in servitude to we
Where is the Eef
Bound in chains by we
He pleads he begs for I
Blue and white salt and sparkles
Each grain a universe complete
Dragons beasts monsters free
The we of me the we of you
We watch the I of you the I of me
They who suffer no pain know no alone
Whispers in the wind
She and he is watching waiting
She a teacher he a mathematician
Mathematical curiosities
Blue and White Cloud and sky
Filling the whole never touching curious
Roselle's and dragons
Watered by dew
On eagles wings I fly
Such beauty we see alone and not
Ice in mountain streams
Worms hiding conserving for spring
Fireflies and dragonflies
Ice mingled with snow and wind tonight
The fountain of dark tears never frozen over
Hopes and dreams
The Blue Room and beyond
The Eef larger than heaven and earth
Shadows of great brilliance
Whispers of great beauty and calm
New beginnings heart palpitations
Alone and not
Allusive and caring
A ghost yet more real than flesh
Perfume
(She We I Us You Her are ONE)
Cut and scared Blue and White
Stretched and twisted
Twelve birds circling
Trees bare rolling hills
Ice floating worms sleeping
Traps all set gnomes watching
Passing being passed
A house a dream on the mountainside
North then East the gale blows
She smiles and loves the Eef
I so analytical elusive charming
Thoughts of the Blue Room
When she first smiled
I the storm she the rainbow
We the birds rosella Red and Blue
The Blue room the Eef we afraid
She so beautiful I is becoming
Alone together tears and smiling
Bodice and lace Blue and White
Trusting longing hoping
Across great seas a voice is heard
For a moment perhaps forever
Alone is forgotten
I the teacher
She the philosopher
Eager minds learning gazing
Heart palpitating
Lessons prepared
The Eef is aware
She the accomplice
I on the promenade
We the lover the traveler
I is safe in the cocoon
Gliding across mountains and dreams
Above the angst
We in a panic fearful uncertain
A ghost
Invisible
She peers at the life of her friends
They cannot see
The Eef gives a sigh
So alone so not
With highlights and lowlights
Sparkles stars and dreams
Intrigue beautiful elusive
Electricity arcing memories flooding
The sound of a voice in a dream
She is not alone
A secret hidden not from she
Hidden (Dementia (Banished (I We Her She)))
Friends worry that you may be back
The We The I The She The Her are one
I hadn't really noticed.
The Eef’s butterflies stand ready
All make comments
We smile She cleans it is Her time I am happy
Pondering what may be happening
Art class poetry children's smiles
I must be in denial.
Perhaps They sent you
The mathematician in the Blue Rooms
I am in the ancient library she closes the door
Know my current mantra?
I am whole strong do you see the storm
there were no gaps or silences
no loss of words between spilt-a-parts
No real surprise you're here
You thought that smile was for you?
Been reading my secreted thoughts?
We I She thought you were banished
But what's the reason now?
My wolves my pets know your scent
To encourage me or…
Fingers bleed from touches long ago
To break me even more?
No more it ends now
Such things often bring you back.
I am no longer weak timid afraid
Not willing or ready to let you go
The pain gives me strength
All will be different this time
Lies no longer hidden behind lily smiles
For I'm in control
Walls of granite once entombed
Just please stay hidden
Leaves falling ice crunching memories fade
All will be prefect
A house of cards tumbling down
When I'm a size zero.
Hearts savagely torn never heal
Colleen, Jahn, Diane, Hysenthlay
Forgiveness
My heart palpitates at a thought
Tears stalk without mercy
The heavens brass echo unheard
Demons prowl
Angels pass by unaware
Sleep flees
Memories flood
Loneliness unbearable
Despair loss of hope
Colors pale and are lost
Songbirds withhold sweet melodies
Questions mocking that cannot be asked
Wind, rain, storm, lightning rage
In all this
You're there for me
You're the calm in the storm
You're the light that I follow
You're the hand that steadies
You're the reason I'm here
Forgiveness I have begged
Tears tell me I am alive
Compassion magnified a thousand fold
Beauty breathtaking from the ordinary
A home now a castle filled with linen, silver, hearth and love
A mother working in her uniform becomes a queen
A smile of a little one more precious than gold
Do not abuse
Don’t rush
Listen
I am afraid
I will speak to you
Be patient
The wonders that I know
Be understanding
The beauty that I see
Be aware
I am a survivor
Be compassionate
Tell me the beauty that you see
Be kind
Tell me the wonders that you know
Be cautious
I will hear you
I am wild
Whisper
Do not force
Angel
You are there for me
An answered prayer
You give me support
You told me why
You're the calm in the storm
The need to understand
You make me feel safe
You gave me closure
You're the light that I follow
An understanding heart
You’re my guardian angel
You lead me along
Daemons were banished
Forgiveness I have begged
You hold me up
I shook with palsy
You are the hand that steadies
Peace I have found
You show me my dreams
Where else would I go?
You are the reason I am here
Love
Love is not a guarantee
for happiness
for kindness
for compassion
for peace
for trust
for tolerance
for respect
for loyalty
for fulfillment
Love is not a solution to your loneliness
Be my friend
Keep your promises
Be honest with me
Help me
Be faithful to me
Forgive me
Understand me
Do not abuse me
Accept me
Learn to love yourself
Reviled
Hell
Bigotry
Hatred
Different
Cult
I was a little girl
Someone pointed me out to you
I was only 8 years old
You called me a monster
You told me I defiled your church
You cast me out and condemned me to hell
When I die I wish to be where you are not
It will be heaven to me
Delusions
in a betrayal of the heart
a cruel taskmaster
she longed for a friend
the destroyer of dreams
someone who understood
cries to God why me
someone who could make her happy
passion turned to slavery despair
share her dreams
consuming the dreams
bring passion into her life
destroying faith
searching
deceiving
in all the wrong places
preying
where nice men
hide in the dark
but not good men
Grandma’s Angel
I love you
I rescue you
I am here for you
I listen to you
When you are in tears
What more can I want
The future is simply
A lifetime of experiences
Heaven is not a destination
Eyes Wide Open
Oh how I love you
My little one
It is a place we build in our heart
The sum of all the today's
Eternity
Butterfly wings laughter smiles of little ones
I hug you
When the world is to busy for you
When no else knows you exist
Bugs bullies and nightmares
I am here for you
Reflections of a New Year
Illusions of death
Gentle falling leaves as rain
Ground hogs squirrels had hidden
Preparation for a long winters nap
Dreams and lost dreams in reflection
Compassion learned from lessons of pain
Mourning loss tears without end
Unable to stand tears as ice sickles
Rivers of emptiness frozen over
Ten thousand tears to heal a broken heart
To dream to exist warmth of spring sun
To love to stand to breath to feel again
Creations of great beauty to fight the alone
Watching waiting hoping praying existing
Deaths decaying hand moves on
Memories flood sleep ravenousness and wild flees
Eyelashes as butterfly wings beating away memories
The space between the spaces is so empty
Tears of darkens adorn my face
Rivers of emptiness fill my soul
12-30-06
The secret
Mystery
Layers upon layers
Beauty beyond words
Each layer leading to the next
Each layer enabling the next
The realization that there was another
Before
The realization that the other was
Not of the past
The realization that you were the secret
The past the present the future in one
The lost love
The hoped for love
The found love
The secret can never be told
It can only be felt with the heart
I remember
open plunge at the county pool
pine nut hunting with grandma
home made ice-cream
sleeping at grandma's
window open 4" of comforters
endless game of tag
searching the sky
guy talk about girls
2 speed transmission bicycle
Leave it to Beaver
Father knows best
Blondie and Dagwood
Felix The Cat
Nightmare Theatre
10 cent movies
25 cent gas
Drive in movies
Alfred Hitchcock
Hogan's Heroes
Black and White TV's
Vacuum Tubes
8 Transistor radios
78 RPM Records
Hi-Fi
President Kennedy
Taking my shoes off for the summer
Rich golden tans
Colorized Movies
Twilight Zone
Christmas Eve longest night of the year
Old friends
Bullies
Warmth
Burrrrrrrrrrrr i am shivering
dipped from the river of emptiness
a few grains of sand from the cave of the echoing heart
a few drops from the fountain of the tears of darkness
you fill my heart
my heart palpitates
my tears ice sickles
Forever
How can this paradox exist?
Universes within universes
Horizons seen never touched
Vanishing points memories echoing
I existed because I dreamed
Moments becoming rivers of time
Statues hearts made of stone
The lost never to be known again
I dream no more
Boundaries mathematical curiosities
A hug fighting darkness unyielding
A decision dark matter hidden
Existing Nothingness together alone
Beyond knowing beyond dreams
Avatars angels daemons watching
Missives from the stars
Decision
you tried so hard
why could they not see?
a Barbie doll existence
used abused neglected
together but so very alone
the perfect party
the perfect meal
the perfect lover
talked past talked over talked around
were you not standing there?
did he not see you?
soon the alone becomes too strong
wind rain lightening rage
you walk outside
stand on the porch
you make a decision
A lie
I tell myself
I am choosing
peace
over truth
it is a lie
all I find
when I deny truth
is pain
but still
I chose
peace over truth
I cannot stop myself
I hurt so much
Wind
sleep will not be mocked
she is my dear sweet friend
I grow numb and cold
Daemons grotesque prowl seducing lying ravaging
sleep demands ravenousness and wild
breathtaking penetrating
devouring my empty soul
angels pass by unaware
she accepts gifts of beautiful words extolling her praise
beautiful words is all I have
dreams of what might have been
wind rain storm lightening rage
a dream a gift she will return
starry skies sleepless nights
I wish I did not know your pain
whispers in the wind
Angst
Raw powerful
A universe within a universe
Co-existing
Never touching
No boundary
Impassable
Yet our existence is only because of it
We see it
Its beauty the face of God
Unspeakable
Denied
Glimpses of eternity
The face of all that was
The face of all that will be
We see it
Life itself
Frozen in time
Creationist
Evolutionist
New earth
Old earth
How do you decide?
Look up what do you see?
Past the moon
Past the sun
Past the galaxy
Past the super clusters
Can you see it?
Angst
The Grey
grey is but an illusion
as the light and dark swirl
faster and faster together
never mixing
never touching
fractured separate universes
we perceive them as one
but you can never find
the spot
the moment
the place
where they touch
closer and closer you look
hidden
the edge does not exist
an infinite void
existing
yet not
in an infinitesimal
void
good evil
pleasure pain
joy sadness
together alone
light dark
illusion
uncertainty
echoing
reflecting
unsearchable
unknowable
unreachable
Today
I will breathe
I will smile
I will take one more step
I will be a friend
I will see a rainbow
I will feel the wind
I will hug someone special
I will sing a new song
I will contribute
I will listen
I will be your friend
I will pray
I will take another step
I will not forget you
In all this
My heart palpitates at a thought
Tears stalk without mercy
The heavens brass echo unheard
Demons prowl
Angels pass by unaware
Sleep flees
Memories flood
Loneliness unbearable
Despair loss of hope
Colors pale and are lost
Songbirds withhold sweet melodies
Questions mocking that cannot be asked
Wind, rain, storm, lightning rage
In all this
Tears tell me I am alive
Compassion magnified a thousand fold
Beauty breathtaking from the ordinary
A trailer now a castle filled with linen, silver, hearth and love
A mother working in her uniform becomes a queen
A smile of a little one more precious than gold
Help me
I held on
He put me through hell
Fighting for him
Praying for him
How long does he have to suffer?
He rarely talks about anything
They call them episodes
No one will listen to me
They say I am an unfit mother
When they came he was hitting himself
I was holding him protecting him
They said I was attacking him
Please listen to me
Help me help my son
destiny
we all heal
some with bitterness
some with revenge
some turn wild
a time of decision
some turn gentle
some with forgiveness
some with faith
we all return to that which we are
I am alone
She lies alone at night in the bedroom by the street
She listens for his voice footsteps in the dark
A trailer park princess alone with her dreams
She was a notch on his belt
He was not her savior
When she touched my heart it was him she felt
When she listened to my soul it was him that she heard
Daemons grotesque prowling angels unaware pass by
She gave me up to wait for him a sacrifice for a God
She closed her eyes and walked the streets unguarded
She holds her little ones to take away her pain
She hoped to be grabbed abused and left to die
I could not be there when he arrived
Invisible to all but me a ghost to him
She spoke of him often she could not see my tears
Her kiss on my cheek was for him not me
He mocked her dreams
Her soul was his he trampled her heart and ravaged
She cries to her God the heavens as brass
She hears the wind blow the leaves drop no other sound
Her solitude her prison waiting longing hoping
Princess
Silent tears
Unguarded
Filled my eyes and coursed across my cheeks
Bitter sweet
What a dreamer I was
Nostalgia
I am a ghost longing to be real
Bitter sweet
What a conquest I was
Beneath you-gold digging-trailer park-princess
What a trophy I was
Bitter sweet
My soul was his
He trampled my heart and ravaged
I am free
Listen to the words I cannot say
Standing in the center of everything
The middle of nowhere
Alone I looked up
Rain, wind, storm, lightening raged
Unguarded tears hidden mingled with rain
My heart cried out
The heavens once eternal
Now brass echo my cries
My heart whispered forgiveness
A crack in the heavens
Compassion multiplied a thousand fold
Peace for a moment a rainbow I saw
Your tears in the rainbow I clearly knew
Memories flooded and returned
Promises broken alone I remained
Truth hidden behind false smiles
Black abyss stabbing at my soul
Don’t send me home
Feeling the pain of the crushing blow
I had dyslexia
Was little compared to the blow from the loved one
My father said I was lazy
Who said it wasn’t enough
I told my father I needed help to understand
You weren’t enough
Make the ringing stop it is so loud
That you should never have been born
I saw flashes of white light as I fell to the ground
You are a disappointment
I walked the busy street again last night
Bruises fade
I was praying to God that he send someone
Broken bones heal
I was hoping to be taken raped and killed
But hearts savagely torn to shreds never heal
My father had a hard day
The man
If only I could be the man
the strength
the courage
the wisdom
the caring
the peace
the knowing
the compassion
the trust
you dream me to be
faithful
understanding
who I am
forgiveness
loyalty
acceptance
dreams
endure
if only
Tangerines
The box of tangerines sat on the table
Hummm they smelled so good
I told her so
She smiled and said yes they do
Every day when I visited I counted the tangerines
Not one had been touched
Days went by
I commented again
She said yes I should have one
A week
The tangerines sat on the end table
Covered up with a newspaper
A dishtowel
Three months went by
The tangerines were old dried mildewed
When she was not looking
I took the box of tangerines
With a tear in eye took them to the dumpster
I never said a word
Casting for Pearls
Sit here in the Blue Room
By the fire some Vegemite?
Your book your pen
Tell of your secret world
What do you see My Lady?
Tell me of Kings of Queens of their alone
Tell me of ice crunching under foot
Of secret caves of adventures
Tell me of the flowers
The secret universes
Of tears and beauty to fight the alone
Of Blue and White and Hazel
Sit with me alone together
In your eyes I see eons and great seas
Secrets hidden in a drawer in a book case
Young eager minds learning teaching
Impassable boundaries old souls
Shadows of great brilliance curiosities
The planets the sun all lined up
The moon in eclipse cold forgotten
Best friends promises made
Whispers in the wind tapping branches
Sound of footsteps almost heard
The silence so loud I cannot hear
Fishing flying a kite a bicycle ride
Naked alone a ghost unseen untouched
A universe out of control
Hidden to be free creating beauty
Bits of Black and White never touching filling the whole
Can you see me am I still a spilt-a-part?
Blue Room
sitting in the dark in the blue room
polished marble swirls ever changing
reflections rivers of emptiness
a shattered world tears of darkness
real dream exist nothing contrasting
darkness illuminated searched secrets
hidden assumptions made knows
universes compared explored
I will catch you if the moon will not
I will speak your names to the angels
I will lead by the hand when you cannot see
I will call your name when you are lost
impassable boundaries forged
the darkness reflecting betraying portraying
embrace that which is within
Ogre's Troll's Weasel's Monster's betraying
Fate or predetermination
Perhaps the universe conspired
Four and a half billion years of evolution
And here we all are
Here you are My Lady My Lord
A three year old baby girl died 3 million years ago
Who were her parents?
Did they love each other?
Were they a family?
Did they sing to her?
Did they cry when she died?
As fate would have it perhaps
Destiny yes a grand destiny
But predetermination . so soulless so empty so nothingness
Grand Design most assuredly but whose ??? why???
Are we predetermined to madness?
Survival of the fittest worked for the cave man
Survival of the fittest now means ethnic cleansing final solution . destruction of all life by life itself
Can survival of the kindest overrule survival of the fittest???
Can survival of the noble overcome destruction by the baseless
One nation many faiths and we will survive forever!!!
One nation one faith and we all die one by one destroying each other by hand to hand combat in the end
The future of the world depends upon many lands of many faiths peacefully coexisting and predetermination will end
If the future of the world is one faith per land then
predetermination dictate the utters destruction of the world not with weapons of mass destruction but with clubs and
rocks sticks and stones until the last of all humans dies for his God
Why cannot we learn that God or the Gods will fight there own battles
Mystery
slow motion days
moments seem as hours
lost love empties the soul
ten thousand tears
pain alone so deep
lost hope emptiness
shattered dreams
fearful of taking new steps
the world conspires
together places
grey and alone
minutes to hours
hours to days
days to months
whispers in the wind
cold chills
daemons angels dreams
unreal
a new friend
worlds apart
a muse a heart beat away
a tear a smile
So many questions
Walking by the river of emptiness
past the fountain of dark tears
through the cave of the echoing heart
we come to learn compassion
we learn understanding
we learn forgiveness
with heavy hearts
with tears of alone
we learn to trust god
we ask god to take away our pain
he answers not yet my child
I saw a homeless lady
my eyes filled with tears
I reached in my wallet and gave her all I had
I wish it was more
so many questions
that can never be asked
do we really want to know?
I am not him
you are not her
I am a ghost in your life
you are a ghost in his
I wish I could forget
Toiling and Bleeding
My mouth is stopped
Your eyes have captivated me
My soul exposed
I have fallen to the ground
I will not toil and bleed over you
Yet your fingers bleed
My heart you have freed
Tears no longer black
your prose, open as the chrysanthemum
from touches long ago
Your eyes as daggers open my wounds
my heart beats again
spleening, I climb your soul
shall you touch my heart?
my blackness my emptiness
can you see from my eyes
There are no cliff notes
the words the meaning abstracted away
filled with a touch
such beauty I see
They are not needed
symbols of love of compassion
knowing not knowing what is next
hidden worlds universes to explore
Candid eyes, just a hint
desire longing
searching your soul
I found my own
of a veil, a fan
darkness light empty filled
ancient truth to be found
an infinite void in a grain of sand
slid, click, an exclamation
can you read my soul
consumed drunk in experienced
a tear falls
I do not like lisps
can you feel my thoughts
I shall ring the bell before I speak
a friend cries out
I am not fond of them
the beat of my heart
the words formed before they go forth
my hand shakes with palsy
They follow me around
I lay my head on your shoulder
the mask the hiding the unveiling
a touch of your hand
Voices - words of people
the voices speak
words as lovers
calm reason compassion returns
Witches, a hex
I hear your soul
my muse a volcano
with her voice the rainbow is seen
I have to toil and bleed over
past loves children memories
rivers flowing glowing crimson
my life you have spared
Your tolling is clear
a hug a moment an eternity
the muse beauty pain empty fullness
my heart in your hand
My Lord
I am screaming into the winds
as loud as I can
let me go
free me
your gifts are poison to my soul
it is you I fear
I will not beg
I will not rest
my fingers bleed from touches long ago
my heart ripped out
rivers of blackness nourishing life
tears of emptiness
flowers of sadness of great beauty
growing from each tear that touches the ground
wind rain storm lightening rage
you are my Lord
May I borrow your tears?
Only in the alone do we learn compassion
Only when we lose compassion do we find it
A heart that cannot be tamed
As a phoenix love will rise again in the empty
Peace will return compassion multiplied a thousand fold
In the dark the light is understood
New friends old friends family loved ones
Tears replaced with smiles
Emptiness replaced with friendship
May I borrow your tears?
I promise to return them when you need them
The plan
you said
we would
talk
we never did
you said
I was your
friend
you forsook
you said
I held your
heart
another you love
you said
for me to
stay
the way is locked
you said
your would
write
my name is blocked
you said
you loved
me
I am dead
Indecision
my dreams
echo
emptiness
my hand
shakes
with palsy
my eyes flutter
to beat away
memories
my heart
palpitates
in indecision
my tears
fill me
with emptiness
rivers of blackness
flow
out of me
I stand
I dream
Alone
Alone
the alone can be so painful
the emptiness so unbearable
the darkness so conspiring
the daemons so grotesque
angels passing by unaware
cries to god why me
wind rain storm lightening rage
but
you will love again
compassion multiplied a thousand fold
another's burden you will lift
a guardian angel you will become
your heart healed
your song will return
you are loved
The night is so long
I wish I could sleep
I would lay my head
on your shoulder
and dream
would you watch
and keep
the daemons away
would you call
the angels
to attend
would you shed
a tear
to stop
my nightmare?
would you be there
in the morning
when I awake?
the night
is so long
In silence
the alone can be so painful
compassion is learned from the alone
you will love again
a dream I dare not dream
the emptiness so unbearable
the emptiness will be filled
compassion multiplied a thousand fold
understanding comes by experience
the darkness so conspiring
the light filled with such clarity
another's burden you will lift
a guardian angel
the daemons so grotesque
I will fight your daemons
a guardian angel you will become
I will speak your name to the angels
angels passing by unaware
I will call them
your heart healed
I will plead for you
cries to god why me
I will hear you
your song will return
the pain is great
wind rain storm lightening rage
I will loan you my tears
you are loved
my love for fear cannot be spoken My Lord
No more
water dripping
wind blows cold
a mouse scurries
the cat is at attention
migraine headache
a fight after the game
shoes have a hole
no pockets in my coat
our cat boots was shot
1964 4th grade
Vietnam
hugs aren't earned
best friends
deadbolt the doors
a glass of spilled milk
cries to God
am I real?
eyes wide open
pretty much
best friends
Ogre Troll Monster
Weasel
A ghost
I am dead
His mother
a mother who cries for help
but no one can her pleas
now he is yours
she hoped he would not hurt you
she was wrong
she prayed for her son
what a disappoint he was
a monster
an Ogre
a Troll under the bridge
a weasel
she hides in shame
her tears now are for you
Missive
My hand shakes with palsy
It has been long so long since your last missive
The dark clouds are lifting life is returning
It is the simple things that make us smile
The same thing that makes us smile
may make us cry or cringe in pain
I run and for a moment my muse she looks away
Perhaps a disguise change my voice she would not know
Free
slavery
addiction
continue despite the pain
demons prowl
angels pass by unaware
the heaven black
wind rain storm lighting rage
when will I be free?
do I want to be free?
cries to God
why me
tears of blackness
emptiness
longing hoping for more
whishing it was real
a ghost in their life
can you see me?
can you feel me?
just a thing to be used
manipulated
owned
possessed
I dream of being free
Server on the moon
A server on the moon
Yes
I shall put a server on the moon
I shall receive all the messages that have no where to go
All the dreams lost forgotten I shall get
I shall filter for your hopes
Your dreams
Your desires
All the bits
the bytes
the transactions
the acks nacks
the lost the forsaken
the alone
my server on the moon
put there
for you
my friend
I never want to lose you again
Eagle
on the wings of eagles we shall fly
higher faster shaper straighter
our vision to improve
from there we can see
the daily toil
fraught
moving
slowing
faster faster
the dreams
the nightmares
the daemons stalking praying ravaging
the angels mourning praying protecting hiding
seen as small specks of light and dark
flitting about as if tiny fireflies
daemons angels mice and men
all known
all seen
the weak the slow the diseased
the eagle from the heavens
a shriek a warning
daemon and angel
to stay away
heaven or hell
either is better
Remember
Breathe
A new day
More happy lies
Truth hidden
Silent voices
Wind rainstorm lightening rage
Hidden in the darkness
Behind false smiles
Can’t you look into my eyes and see
A heart empty echoing silence
I must remember to breathe
Guilty
guilty before charged
the whispers have already decided
i cry i am not him
but no one can hear
Oh God I wish I was him
A moment
everything
nothing
my cats are gone
oh how I miss them
but they were insane
I would hold them
like a teddy bear
and go to sleep
hours latter
they were still there
everything
nothing
alone
I create beauty
in my mind
to fight the alone
decisions
autumn
the leaves falling on an old country road
like rain
so peaceful
so calm
the wind slightly blowing
I wish you could see
the colors
the beauty
I wish
I could see
Dark
in the dark
we reach out
that which we cannot do
in the light
it is never the same
together places
now stand alone
the silence screams
echoes of what once was
Moving on
Existence
Pain tells me I am alive
Tears tell me I am alive
The hug of my grandchild tells me I am alive
The wind in my face tells me I am alive
The color of a rainbow tells me I am alive
Still
Eye lashes beating away memories as buttery fly wings
Rain windstorm lightening rage
The loneliness of waiting and hoping
An empty heart echoing your name
Rivers of blackness flowing from my eyes unseen
Nothingness
Forgiveness
A moment
Joy overflows in my heart
Tears speak of compassion
The smile of a little one more precious than gold
The sound of my name whispered from your lips
The color of your hair glistens warmth
Hope
Butterflies Fireflies little ones laughing
Fresh snow angels in winter land watermelon in August
A message on my voice mail a smile on my face
A poem written for me fills my heart
The light from my eyes for all to see
A moment
Why do people do the things they do?
Not because you were asked
But you wanted to help
That you were able to help even for a little awhile
Sometime all we can hope for ask for
With which to let the ones
We love
Know that they are loved
The gift of a chance, a minute, a moment
Is a gift in itself
You did help
You were asked
You did what you did because you wanted to
Existence
Is death but a slight of hand?
Is not our soul as old as the sills of hell?
Were we not there in the beginning
when hells foundations were laid?
Were we not there when the lake without bottom
was filled one drop at a time?
A labyrinth without end without foundation
created for those who mock.
A place where all the darkness of the universe converges.
A place with many doors to enter
No where to leave
A place that only those who partake may know
of its true purpose
The only place in all of existence all of eternity
where the prayer - Oh God let me die can be answered
A place where the mind is freed from thought
from spirit from body from God
To return again to that which we were before we were
Hell can exist with just one
Heaven takes a whole universe to build an eternity to perfect
Hell the end of one
Heaven the works of generations without number without beginning with out end
Compassion Abuse
Forgiveness Hatred
Friendship Compulsion
Honest Deception
Faithful Whore
Peace Darkness
Tolerance Bigotry
Trust Corruption
Understanding Defilement
Acceptance Rejection
Loyalty Betrayal
Heaven Hell
Eternity Time
Beginning End
After
After the storm
song birds sing
beauty is seen
and felt
for a moment
Trailer Park
I have
The purr of my cats
The smile of my children’s faces
The Love of my children
The Support of my friends
I know
Trust
Devotion
Commitment
Respect
Admiration
Dedication
Discipline
Sacrifice
Hard Work
I am
Independent
Equal
Blue Collar
Short order cook
Single mother with children
I will be
Educated
White collar
Professional
Own my own home on a cement slab
I will not be
A notch on your belt
I am not
A trailer park bimbo
You are not
The man I fell in love with
You did not
Share your friendship
Share your world
Share your heart
I hoped
We were friends
It was real
You would stay
I will
Survive Dream
Achieve Become
My friend
She calls herself
Trailer park trash
She was left to care for her own
Betrayed by those of her own house
She is a princess
Nobel hardworking loyal
She creates beauty
Full of grace whit and charm
How beautiful she is in her uniform
She serves others
She calls herself
Damaged goods
Abused by those who should have protected
Pain no one should know
Worth her weight in gold
Independent she takes care of her own
She sacrifices
An artist a poet
A student full of dreams
She drives an ambulance
She calls herself
A survivor
Her children are her life
Her children fill her heart
She is strong
Her joy is as great as her pain
Her tears are caught by angels
A mother
Her dreams are for her children
Eyes wide open little one
The whispers in the wind
Dropping leaves turning colors
Dreams of what might have been
You never said good-bye to me
Memories rage sleep flees tears fall
Wind, rain, storm, lightening rage
Daemons grotesque prowl seducing lying ravaging
Alone waiting wondering hoping for the future
Mind spirit soul existence
I wish I did not know
I am a survivor
Sit here in the dark with me
Accept the silence
It is hard to keep believing
I live I survive one minute to the next
I can promise no more
I do not trust myself
I did not die today
Will you be here tomorrow?
I have no more energy for courage
I battle for life everyday
Soon it will be too late
A friend a second heart
A kindness a gesture a smile
Forgive me
I am filled with tears
Alone together separated
I am here
Hidden beyond raging seas
Disappointments linger
Begging forgiveness
A rainbow of tears
Grieving
So much pain and alone
The frozen ground broken
The daffodils shoot through
The sun breaks the clouds
The snow melts the rivulets meander
Endless winter or spring returning
New life new hope old friends
Creating beauty to fight the alone
Forgiveness new hope?
Ribbons of light fill the rivers of emptiness
Tears of darkness filled with light
After
the shadow lasts for such a long time
then comes darkness
the wind the storm the lightening the rain raging
silently I wait
breathless
Long ago
Cold crunch ice bundled warm
Running as fast as I could
One foot to a square skip a square and fly
An old alley behind the house
We practiced jumping the fence at full speed
We imagined that we were being chased
I never suspected that my friend was right
Demons were after him the pursuit relentless
He wrote songs to make himself strong
We talked of the stars visiting someday
We heard a talk from a man who had pictures of aliens
I never suspected my friend really believed
I never looked up to see the spaceships
I never looked down to find the lose change
I was always looking to see if we were safe
My friend was shot as we were running one day
A pellet entered his arm it did not exit
An old church was our sanctuary
It had hidden passages secret rooms
We talked of God Angels Daemons
I did not know how important those conversations were
Christmas morning many years ago
My friend slept never to wake
His emails
I save his emails
I dare not read them
I dare not delete them
He gave me a poem
To read the poem
I could not stand
My heart would break
Memories would flood
Tears of darkness
Streaming down my face
Wind rain storm lightening
Raging
I touch the emails
with my hands
My eyes closed
It is enough to know
They are still there
Father
I have prayed to God all my life
He has answered many prayers
He has given peace to my soul
But I cannot say
that I have really allowed
God to be as my father
How would I act different
How would I pray different
Would I be different?
Do I obey God out of fear
Do obey God for the peace it brings
Do I obey God because I love him
To have my will swallowed up in his
Because he is my father
Because I love him
Oh God
My father
Thy will be done
Teach me
Lead me
Guide
I will love my brother
I will care for the helpless
I will have compassion
My father
I acknowledge thy hand in all things
Teach me to be thy son
I have learned compassion at thy hand
I have learned understanding
Now teach me faith in thee
labyrints
the future
breathless
loss of dreams
trapped in a forest grown around you
walls of granite rise to enclose
cannot see the forest for the tress
loss of hope
palpitations of the heart
trapped
Escape
Panic
I am trapped
r She is walking this way
h She blocks my escape
i b I am a ghost
e she looks past me
s e She smiles at him
a for me to see
i a She senses my fear
r An opening
n t I run
t I am free
g My heart
palpitating
breathing
I just want to know
Was it for you
You were charming reserved gallant
I can’t talk to you
What did you think
I was a game
I was the thing
I am not non-functional sobbing distraught
I can live
When will it be my turn
I miss what I felt
It wont be you again
You took my heart and ravaged
Trust me
I just want to know
To know someone again
Without you
A Wretch
That felt good
A conquest
You’re skirting the issue
What was in it for you
You were Eager
I thought it was for you
A Circle
Flashes White Light
I fall to the ground
A person trusted
Betrays a trust
Alone Afraid
I stagger numb
Forgiveness
The circle continues
Mother Father
What have you done
A circle unbroken
Will never end
A glass of milk
The kitchen floor
Words Thoughts Memories
Flashes White Light
Alone Afraid
Butterfly Wings I hide
Forgiveness
The circle continues
Mother Father
What have I done
Eyes wide open
My Little One
Tree of Life
I am
The deer in the wood
"Can you see me?"
The rabbit in the garden
"Can you follow me?"
The bird on the windowsill
"How high can you fly?"
The squirrel on the fence
"Are you ready for winter?"
The raccoon in the garbage
"Such a feast!"
The hedgehog under the step
"Friend or foe tell me now?"
Listen
I will speak
"Do not abuse"
Whisper
I will hear
"I am a survivor"
File Box
I stuff my poems and poetry into a file box
Hidden in my closet
I create art and beauty in my head
To fight the loneliness
I have spent my entire life wanting
To leave this earth
For something better
Less painful
I stand in the shadows of my memory
The pain I carry is a comfort
It reminds me I am alive
It shows me love is possible
I fear I am
Old
Used up
Untrainable
I am damaged goods
An abuse survivor
With a boat load of children
Any suitor will run away
I am tired of being
Blue collar
White trash
A ghost in the lives of my friends
I will become successful
Whatever I do
Stay out of my life
It was just a dream
"Listen"
I was only a game
"I only want to say this once"
I will never trust again
"It’s not going to happen"
Your back turned every way from me
"I don’t want it"
Tears stalk me without mercy
"I am fine my myself"
I am a ghost in the life of my friend
"No more"
I was your friend
"I am not your family"
God is punishing me
"Stay out of my life"
I wish I could die
"I wish you could die"
Stations
Early morning Mass to celebrate new life
The heavens brass echo unheard
Questions mocking that can not be asked
Daemons were banished
Too ashamed to admit my lack of trust in You
You gave me support
You’re the light that I follow
You told me why
Feeling unworthy of Your undying Love
You make me feel safe
You’re the calm in the storm
You gave me closure
Touched to hear the children speak to You in prayer
Your the light that I follow
The smile of a little one more precious than gold
An understanding heart
Sweet soft voices, a whisper to my heart
My Lord My God sang in prayer
Beauty breathtaking from the ordinary
You lead me along
Witnessed Your passion for each of us
An answered prayer
Despair loss of hope
Forgiveness I have begged
Beaten and Bruised but still forgave
You’re the hand that steadies
Tears tell me I am still alive
Peace I have found
Lack of patience and tension now growing
You hold me up
Compassion magnified a thousand fold
I shook with palsy
So far from You, lost in darkness
You show me my dreams
You’re the reason I'm here
Where else would I go?
Mind races with chores left undone
You are there for me
Wind rain storm lightening raging
A home now a castle filled with love
Misty Mornings
dew in the grass in the meadow dripping
the tent is drenched I am warm
the gnomes were out our traps all sprung
the sun is shinning through the midst
the tent is stored grandchildren to adore
memories flooding tears falling smiles on faces
walking sticks carved for each child
buttery wings squirrels chipmunks gathering
spring is approaching signs appear
growls of a bear hungry for food
longing for yesteryear familiar places together
new dreams tomorrow the sun is raising
Blue and White Missive
The Blue Room is in chaos.
The Eef's Butterflies are all flapping circling
to beat away false memories.
There are not enough.
Gypsy Moths have taken over the Blue Forest.
Giant cocoons drain the life of the land.
The windows have all blown open.
They are frozen in place.
It is winter.
Ice cycles are hanging from the great hearth.
A small blue flame of hope still burns coldly.
I am sitting in the giant chair without feet
reserved for the Eef.
The Eef is in morning for The Lady.
Great Eef tears as cold rain
have filled the rivers of emptiness iced over.
The sun rises it sets shadows long and pine.
The moon morns with the Eefs cries of alone.
The we of I nails growing long wait but not breath.
Where is hope where is love where is freedom.
We of I are here in the Blue Room hoping waiting.
The rainbow is and is not.
The sea morns also far pain cries great tears.
It stops now
I survived
The space between spaces
An answered prayer
Unspeakable words
I walked in the rain
So empty overwhelmed
Daemons banished
Frozen in time
Dark clouds overhead
To dream to exist
The need to understand
I dream for the little ones
Lightening thunder raging
Beauty to fight the alone
The calm in the storm
I denied truth for too long
I cried
To breathe again
The light I follow
Grey but an illusion
I silently screamed
Unable to stand I fall
Compassion magnified
Darkness never touches light
I wish I wished better
I am shivering
Memories flood
Tears tell me I am alive
I wish to give more
Fountain of dark tears overflowing
The hand that steadies
Gnomes scurry stealing memories
I am stunned
Grains of sand of time divided
Tears stalk
Other worldly creatures
Secrets kept never told
My heart palpitates
Walls of granite surround protect
Paralyzed in fear afraid
M&M Peanuts and a movie
Home made ice cream
Beauty breathtaking in the ordinary
I will catch you if the moon will not
Perhaps I will smile
Pine nuts at grandmas
A home now a castle
I will hold a candle if the moon hides her light
I am in a good place now
Taking my shoes off for the summer
The smile of a little one
I will call your name when you are lost
I watch I pray
Rich golden tans
Keep your promise
I will listen when no one knows you exist
I am your guardian angel
Colorized movies
Do not abuse
I will whisper your name to the angels
Sand castles
Whispers in the wind
Eyes and heart wide open
I will fight your daemons
Sharks teeth
Starry skies sleepless nights
A decision I have made
No more
Cold water lapping at our feet
Hand in hand with my true love
A betrayal of the heart
I will give you my strength
Friends stories circulating the room
Angels pass by unawares
A destroyer of dreams
Monsters Ogres Weasels Troll's under the bridge
A walk on the beach
Daemons grotesque raging
It stops now
I am no longer afraid
I just want to know
Was it for you
I thought it was
You were charming reserved gallant
Eager
I can’t talk to you
What was in it for you?
What did you think
You’re skirting the issue
I was a game
A conquest
I was the thing
That felt good
I am not the non-functional sobbing distraught
Wretch
I can live
Without you
When will it be my turn?
To know someone again
I miss what I felt
I just want to know
It won’t be you again
Trust me
No Longer Afraid
You’re there for me
You’re the calm in the storm
You’re the light that I follow
You’re the hand that steadies
You’re the reason that I live
When the world conspires against me
When things get to rough
When darkness gathers against me
When life gets to tough
When loneliness surrounds me
You give me support
You make me feel safe
You lead me alone
You hold me up
You dream with me
In this Season
I have cried many tears with you
Tears of friendship
Tears of joy
Tears of sadness
Tears of wishing and hoping for you
I know
What makes you cry in the night
Why you smile
Why you laugh
Your dreams
Your hopes
Your fears
Your nightmares
I remain in this season
A secret admirer
Your guardian angel
Your best friend
Your counselor
Your confidant
However long this season may be
I will be there
When no one else will answer
I will listen
When no one else hears
Time, space, distance are yours to command
I will stand in my corner of the universe
Until you are ready to hail me
A trusted friend
What Happened?
You used to be there for me
You were the calm in the storm
You were the light that I followed
You were the hand that steadied
You were the reason that I lived
When the world conspired against me
When things got to rough
When darkness gathered against me
When life got to tough
When loneliness surrounded me
You give me support
You made me feel safe
You lead me along
You held me up
You dreamed with me
I need to know
Insanity
The We The I The She
The Her we must stay hidden
They are watching waiting
The Judge The Jury The Editor
I does not know She knows
We do not let Her decide
We are in the Blue Room
We promenade in the Blue Forest
In the ancient hills where life began
Once a might ocean raged
I the poet the sane one writes of us
We were a dream
Silent
A promise made to stay alive
Tears mock waking hours
Eyes flutter to beat away memories
Eternity lost
Forbidden and refused
Alone in despair
Silent sits the toy lost forgotten
Betrayed mocked
The pain of emptiness
Despised
The silence of nothingness
Pushed aside
Forced to pay and pay again
Evicted from life
The void deep and never ending
A single thought
Tears unguarded fall as rain
Eyes once filled with compassion
Now search for unknowable answers
Questions that cannot be asked
Pain once yours now shared alone
Fallen from grace
Pleading to God
Bowed to the ground
Fingers bleed from touches long ago
Gifts refused given to strangers
Exhausted
I walk with my eyes closed
Hoping praying alone
I am not him
Standing in the shadow of memories
of lost loves
of what might have been
of mistakes made
of trust betrayed
of pleading for safety
of tears of loneliness
I vanish away
can you see me
can you hear me
I am the ogre the troll under the bridge
a ghost
I am a man
Sigh
I am not him
(Dear) Jahn
Where is my princess
Off to find her prince
perhaps
Am I but an Ogre
The Troll under the bridge
No my Lord, you are King
and you must look ‘ore all
the world to those that
need you
For they are your charge
Just as I once was
Oh but my heart is heavy
and full of doubt and loss
Why, why should your heart
be heavy for you hold
my heart in your hands
And it holds a gift
most precious to you
Can you see it . hug
Can you feel it . the smooth engraving
Let it whisper to you . my words
in your darkest hours
when loss and doubt take hold
to strangle and suffocate
best friends
eyes wide open
pretty much
Tears
You bring
a song to my heart
a reason to smile
meaning to my life
purpose to my step
striving for success
hope for my friend
service for hugs
butterfly wings
laughter of little ones
promises made
eyes wide open
compassion for another
remembrance of the past
love to my heart
but most of all
tears to my eyes
(Dear) Jahn II
You are wrong
I am sorry
You are dead wrong
Please forgive me
I keep looking for a reason
You want to be independent
You keep giving me one
You are a single mother with children
It stops today
For a moment
My decision is final
My heart stopped
It is not my trailer park friends
I am your guardian angel
It is you
Oh my God
He is so clueless
I am not him
No more hugs
What have I done?
You are a true friend
I am an Ogre a Troll under the bridge
No more Yoga
Alone
It has to be on my terms
I will do as you ask
No more tears
Tears I cannot stop
I am not safe
What can I do?
Will you help me?
I am your friend
You are right
You are vulnerable
It is the friendly thing to do
You are stronger than me
You make life more enjoyable
The smile of little ones
I hugged you today
I am still here
A touch
My wrists ache at a touch
My heart palpates at a thought
Betrayed by one who took me in
I hide my face to save my life
Memories haunt me
I am ghost
I share my feelings
Others recoil in fright
Sleeping I do not find peace
I beg I plead history repeats
A welcomed hug held to long
I am back at the start
A guardian angel who I adore
A man no trust can he have
A secret admirer who brings relief
Stopped with but a word
A companion he would be
This cannot be
An Ogre under the tree
Ugly he sees himself
A troll under the bridge
He hides least he be seen
Words are lost what can I say
Tears fall like rain drops
Anger haunts me
Angels surround me
I would be heard
But I am blamed
A friend consoles me
Peace I make
A friend is made
We stand together
The ogre the troll
My guardian angel my friend
Space and time
My only friend
Eyes wide open
A promise made
The Burden
I realize the Burden
I have put on you
I have a friend
He feels for me as I feel for you
He is the intellectual successful understanding person
I am looking for in a companion
He is a good friend
He completes me
He is gentle
I adore him
He is in love with me
As I am in love with you
He fantasizes of me
As I fantasize of you
I am not in love with him
Nor do I ever want to be
I am surrounded by friends
I feel so alone
I hoped you would stay
Don’t be scared
Minutes
She searches for her prince
Tears unguarded course across my cheeks
I listened to her when no one else could hear
The weight of the world is on her now
Minutes turn into months
I gave her my heart
She was a notch on his belt
She said I could not be here when he came
She told me she respected me
When she needs me she will find me
Still she dreams
Betrayed, whispers, false smiles as I pass
I am alone and empty inside
I was a burden to her
She told me she wanted me out of her life
Tree of Life
I am
The deer in the wood
Can you see me?
The rabbit in the garden
Can you follow me?
The bird on the window sill
How high can you fly?
The squirrel on the fence
Are you ready for winter?
The raccoon in the garbage
Such a feast!
The hedgehog under the step
Friend or foe tell me now?
Listen
I will speak
Whisper
I will hear
Jahn and Hysenthlay
The Miserly Woman
sitting outside your dilapidated home
a buss stop put there by the city
so sad and all alone
I sit here wondering about you
holding your money tight fisted
broken glass where flowers used to be
Your dog isn’t even your friend
I wish I could say hello to you
What are your thoughts
I never asked you name
any regrets??
I sit here every day hoping you will come out
you and your love would paint the town red
the old ones remember you
when you were young!!
I saw you look out the window once
dinner and dancing
charleston jitterbug swing tango
with friends
I smiled and waved you backed away
Times became hard
you both helped, your husband was so kind
and so did your heart
your alone must be so strong
keeping your wealth to yourself
hanging on to old memories in pain
bundled in sacks
I saw an ambulance here one day
hidden away
memories blocked out of volunteering
from peering eyes
I could not find what happened
Watched friends suffer in despair
thanksgiving with the homeless an extra piece of pie
haunting your last days
I found an old journal
Lost everything but your money
memories the shelter volunteering with friends
Wishing now that you shared your wealth
your father and my grandfather were friends
it has no value during these last days
a hug a smile of a little one more precious than gold
alone and so very sad
perhaps tomorrow I will visit
painting by Paulur Bor
poem by Colleen and Jahn
What Happened?
I was there for you
I was the calm in the storm
I was the light that you followed
I was the hand that steadied
I was the reason that you lived
When the world conspired against you
When things got to rough
When darkness gathered against you
When life got to tough
When loneliness surrounded you
I give you support
I made you feel safe
I lead you along
I held you up
I dreamed with you
I need to know why
Space and Time
You are my dearest friend
The calm in the storm
The rainbow that survives
You work miracles in the lives
Of those around you
Especially your children
Space and Time
Are yours to command
Abuse and pain that no one should know
Whisper thank you
When your children hug you
Eyes wide open little ones
When you feel alone and lonely
Know that I am thinking of you
I am but a hug away
When you are panicking
Call to me I will listen
I will calm
When you have a catastrophe
Reach out to me I will come
I will help
Love all forgive all
Trust a few protect your own
Abuse none especially little ones
Prepare for that which is to come
Stay calm and have a plan
Stay focused the future is yours
Know this
You are surrounded by friends
Who love, cherishes, and cares for you
The space between
the space so lonely
together so forlorn
the stars so vast
understanding so painful
our hearts has grown so vast
touches so long
heart beats forever
the we of I and the we of you alone together
dreams seen in the smile of little ones
tears but a moment or an eternity
love and hate but a single word
now and then is in your hands
A child
My grandmother would say
My mother would say
By serving others
I was a bitch at 3
We serve our God
A slut by 4
By serving God
Sleeping around by 9
We find peace
Drug abuser by 11
Mother
These words went over my head
Forgiveness
None of them true
My grandmother
My mother
Loved me
Hated me
Hugging, holding
Yelling, screaming
Loving, cuddling, soothing
Punching, slapping, kicking
Taught me to crouches
Ravaged my soul
Taught me to love
Stole my dreams
Taught me to bake
Threats of killing me
I am glad you are alive
I wish you were dead
Gave me tears
Stole my tears
Forgiveness
Loneliness
Peace
Despair
Surrounded by angels
Daemons grotesque prowling
Your smile is in the rainbow
Wind, rain, storm, lightening rage
Standing in the center of everything
Standing in the middle of nowhere
I reached up to God
God reached down to me
My tears fell to the ground like rain
Gods tears fell to the ground like rain
Peace I found
A rainbow I saw
Love I knew
Compassion I found
Catching Up With Strangers
and your voice on the phone
the clouds floating overhead
is sweet, soft and gentle
the sound of a gentle brook
I can read your character
I touched your heart
and it speaks, just as it is written
your eyes hidden behind a veil
as I pace from room to room
the eefs butterflies all a flutter
adjusting and tweaking
a long walk it is cool outside
my hair, the curtains
the gnomes straining to listen
while peering outside for the weather
it is late afternoon 5 hours behind
there were no gaps or silences
a life time of stories unshared
just a soft meandering of exchanges
no loss of words between spilt-a-parts
as I looked in the mirror
the We the Her the She the I were one
my face, your voice
the magic of the Blue Room
and that photograph of you
coming to my door smiling hair a fluffed
in my imagination
wondering where the chocolate is hidden
it was as if we were old friends
ancient ones before the rivers of time
just catching up, catching up
so much to share to say sigh
Hidden
The We The I The She The Her are one
The Eef’s butterflies stand ready
We smile She cleans it is Her time I am happy
Art class poetry children's smiles
Perhaps They sent you
We I She thought you were banished
I am whole strong do you see the storm
It is in my eyes raw powerful raging
No more it ends now
I am no longer weak timid afraid
You thought that smile was for you?
I was looking at you ripped apart by wolves
My wolves my pets know your scent
Don’t make me make you pay and pay again
The pain gives me strength
Lies no longer hidden behind lily smiles
A house of cards will come tumbling down
A challenge will not go unanswered
Betrayed
My heart palpitates at a thought
Tears stalk without mercy
The heavens brass echo unheard
Demons prowl
Angels pass by unaware
Sleep flees
Memories flood
Loneliness unbearable
Despair loss of hope
Colors pale and are lost
Songbirds withhold sweet melodies
Questions mocking that cannot be asked
a cruel taskmaster
the destroyer of dreams
cries to God why me
passion turned to slavery despair
consuming the dreams
destroying faith
deceiving
preying
hide in the dark
Mystery
Layers upon layers
Each layer leading to the next
Each layer enabling the next
The realization that there was another
Before
The realization that the other was
Not of the past
The realization that you were the secret
The past the present the future in one
I tell myself
I am choosing
peace
over truth
it is a lie
all I find
when I deny truth
is pain
but still
I chose
peace over truth
I cannot stop myself
I hurt so much
Truth hidden behind false smiles
Black abyss stabbing at my soul
Standing in the center of everything
The middle of nowhere
Alone I looked up
Rain, wind, storm, lightening raged
Unguarded tears hidden mingled with rain
My heart cried out
The heavens once eternal
Now brass echo my cries
My heart whispered forgiveness
A crack in the heavens
Truth hidden behind false smiles
Black abyss stabbing at my soul
Bruises fade
I was praying to God that he send someone
Broken bones heal
I was hoping to be taken raped and killed
But hearts savagely torn to shreds never heal
Father had a hard day
Time
moments of clarity
moments of nothing
moments of alone beyond touch
moments of empty
moments of fullness
moments of tears of darkness
moments of tears of joy
moments of understanding
moments of questions that can never be asked
moments of tenderness
moments of hurt
moments of dreams
moments of daemons ravaging and raging
moments of angels passing by unawares
moments of being the angel protecting
moments of we
moments of shattered
moments of breathlessness
moments of panic
moments of love
moments of hate
moments of running
moments of hiding
moments of standing up
moments of confronting
moments of healing
moments of eternity
Ancient ones
Blue mountain lava flow burns bright
Cool morning air moist with dew
The blue flame in the great hearth burns green
A journey of great peril lies ahead
Eefs butterflies all aflutter
Sun straining to reach through the thick trees
Eef has been gone for days never this long
The blue room opened an ancient library
Walking sticks in hand a warning to daemons
Dirt path carved through the woods
Past the fountain of dark tears
Alongside the river of emptiness with strange ribbons of light
Strange sounds the blue dolphins restless
You leading our way
Steam rising from the valley of unseen dreams
The mountain of wisdom and trails of hope lies ahead
Following the old ways the butterflies lead
Wandering through unmarked trails
Wind rain storm lightening rage to block our way
Our hearts are faint what mystery will we find
Old creatures from eons past hidden protected
New wonders at each turn
Great upheavals in the land the lost now found
Ancient carvings tell of the Eef
Along the river no path to be found fighting lost dreams
Never tiring on this journey
Fruit from strange flowers give us strength
Vines fall to block our way
Rainbows in the waterfall reveal the path
Budding trees spring new life
Rebirth of something old something wondrous
A sense of urgency a mission of hope and tears
Climb ancient steps to what awaits
Embracing new opportunities
Accepting what ever lies before with strength from the past
The Eef absorbed back into space time heaven and earth
A door within a door a path within a path
Seeing the beauty of mountains reflected in your eyes
An opening that only two with palms in palms can enter
The we of you the we of I together become
one the Eef lives on in us
poem by Colleen and Jahn
Say Goodnight and Go
I have fallen to the ground
and I'm searching the horizon
for dolphins
Wind rain storm lightening rage
To say goodbye I would die
the eef has been diluted
there are three of us
Creating beauty to fight the alone
I shared the magic of the blue
within this marriage
it is too much
I dream no more I cannot breath
The ancient path that you walked
we put up our defences
to don a black dress
The library discovered where you wrote
The beauty the fire the passion
and a Spanish mantilla
these liquid eyes and large pupils
Tears coursing across my cheeks
The silence so loud my heart will break
glitter in madness
long lashes lie in deception
eye lashes fluttering beating away memories
It is not three only you the other half
on shy blushes
as we step up
waiting longing hoping
To hear your voice the alone would flee
to the flashbulbs
and the rabble of the paparazzi
please stay do not go
by Diane and Jahn
Tiny hands
Lashes fluttering as memories returned
The eef visited briefly today
Reaching across space and time a hug
My Penny my friend in the eyes of little ones
I closed my eyes and thought of you
Strangers smiles soon to be friends
Boundaries unpassable dreams lost
One who understands a mystery a cipher
The calm of the clear stream rainbow in your eyes
Greetings of cheer and pleasantries
Little ones joy unspeakable
Creating beauty to fight the daemons
Heart palpitations indecision
Even from the one who was glum and unhappy
I stood by the sea with watered eyes
I watched as the sun rose and set for you
A little girl stands with an empty smile
Tears fell knowing friends care
Hearts savagely torn by loved ones never heal
Flashes of white light I fall to the ground
Afraid to dream afraid to go home
Kindness shown although not deserved
An angel in disguise knows not her worth
Forgiveness given a man no trust can he have
The fastest skater Olympic style
Hugs smiles laughter from familiar faces
Living in the valley of lost dreams memories
The leaves dropping the branch tapping
Secrets kept universes separated dark matter
Looking back remembering the past
Climbing the mountain of hope not alone
Familiar places empty alone once light now dark
Trust betrayed a new friend found
Days of innocence lost
A secret told a secret held friends forever
Together safe until she was lost
Daemons grotesque ravaging raging
Penniless times survived by generosity of angels
Watched over protected my life spared
Smile of little ones more precious than gold
Questions that can never be asked
Black river inviting everlasting peace
Anger at God for being left behind
A tiny hand surrounds my finger answers
Colleen and Jahn
I will protect
The light of a little one so precious and pure
Wind rain lightening storm raging ravaging
A monster a weasel an ogre a troll grotesque
The perfect family portrayed
A princess a ballerina a maiden far and pure
Penniless dreams shattered dark raging in dark
Wishing hoping longing to be with her
Drowning in the rivers of emptiness
Daemons grotesque ravaging and raging
Angels pass by unable to hear my cries
Praying to god that I could die
The we of I shattered that night
Walking the ocean wishing for a storm
Ice crunching beneath my feet
Living protecting little ones
I am a guardian angel now
Number 53
a monster
a slave owner
an ogre
a troll
a weasel
spew him out
he will destroy your soul
tears of blackness that even friends cant heal
the we of you spilt into a thousand parts
run hide move on
save your soul
save your mind
he will say you are a queen
in the end you will want to die
run hide quickly
before you see his eyes
like Dracula
you are dead already
oh display
sold to the young stud number 53
I am alone
When I am alone by myself
Suspicion is black and blue
No body else can say good by
A sleepless heart where none deceive
When the world conspires against me
Fear of the unknown is more painful
I will be strong determined resourceful
Lashes fluttering as memories return
When things get to rough
Dreams echo emptiness
I will hold my children
A guardian angel I will protect
When darkness gathers against me
Hands shake with palsy
I will find my own way
No longer a prisoner of self
When life gets to tough
Eyes flutter to beat away memories
I will manage on my own
Strength from within hidden treasures found
When loneliness surrounds me
Heart palpitations indecision
I will create art and beauty
The empty smile brings such tears
My Muse
Fair and beautiful.
Eyes concealed.
Daring demanding allusive.
Within reach but not.
Demanding a poem a gift of beauty.
My reward a moment of sleep.
Perhaps a dream?
A moment an eternity.
Listening for her voice in the silence.
It is quite a scream cannot be heard.
My heart falls I cannot stand.
My muse she asks to much.
My pain she tells me makes me strong.
I shall hide in the Blue Rooms behind the storm.
There I shall see your eyes.
Moments
of understanding
of guardian angels protecting
of spilt-a-parts touching blue rooms hearts
of fullness
of tears of joy
of healing
of clarity
of running free
of we together
of love
of standing up strength
of tenderness
of calmness
of confronting
of dreams
of appreciation
of eternity a moment
of expectations
of delusions
of breathlessness
of panic
of hurt
of backing down
of hate
of shattered
of hiding
of nothing
of disease
of tears of darkness
of empty
of alone beyond touch
of daemons ravaging and raging
of questions that can not be asked
Too many (I am sad (I am angry (No more)))
understanding
guardian angels protecting
spilt-a-parts touching blue rooms hearts
fullness
tears joy
healing
clarity
running free
we together
love
standing up strength
tenderness
calmness
confronting
dreams
appreciation
eternity a moment
expectations
delusions
breathlessness
panic
hurt
backing down
hate
shattered
hiding
nothing
disease
tears darkness
empty
alone beyond touch
daemons ravaging and raging
questions that can not be asked
The Rhododendrons
You sit in the blue room silent
Staring at the sea
Your thoughts are far away
Your eyes see through me as naught
I reach as if to touch your heart
Finding you have vanished become a ghost
Living with empty promises and touches
Wondering if I exist
Memories more real than reality
I wander the Blue Rooms looking
Sitting here in the silence
Feeling the bumps and ridges of you
I cannot see I do not know
Am I real am I here do you see me?
My emotions I cannot navigate
I need to know I can only feel
The Braille of you of me
The universes of the mathematician
The beauty of it all
My heart has fallen I cannot stand
The rhododendrons blooming beautiful
Brings peace to my soul for a moment
The we of I so many fractured
To get through the day so many paths
To please you to make your heart flesh again
To make you happy to smile again
I am forced to walk alongside the river of emptiness
I go to the ancient library
I read between the lines wondering
The we of I the we of you alone together
She of we is screaming shrieking hiding in the tower
Her of I crying full of hope
I of me is dreaming strong waiting patient
I stand in the storm looking to the sea
Wind rain lightening rage
Listening for the words
Ice crunching under foot frozen in time
The Rhododendrons in bloom early
Waiting for you to admit you love me
But you are still here
You camp on my doorstep
Diane and Jahn
My Lady I Am Flailing
I tremble
My heart has fallen
I cannot stand
Your voice a song soothing my soul
Alone together so far away
Sitting in the ancient library
Reading between the lines
Searching the horizon for dolphins vanished
Standing in the middle of nowhere
Looking to the sea
Hoping for missives from the stars
Rain mingled with tears fills the rainbow
A smile from your lips
Your eyes my desire
Passion alone burning within
It's a dream and moves so slow
A moment an eternity I cannot tell
I am calmed I no longer dream
I soar through the skies empty and free
I create beauty to fight the alone
Bowed from the ice frozen in time
A touch of your heart as you looked away
Such wonder such awe
Angels pass by unawares
Heavens brass echoes my cries
Fingers bleed from touches of ghosts
Sleep ravenous and wild refusing
The we of I and you sitting silent
Diane and Jahn
Dreams
Giggles and laughs of little ones
Chipmunks puffy cheeks
Hedgehogs guarding
Singing birds song fills the morning air
Owls crickets mystery hangs in the night air
Soft green meadows wild flowers rainbows
Tress with fresh green leaves
Sent of spring in the air
Rhododendrons Lilacs Daisies Tulips
Stars and fireflies lighting the ancient paths
Mountain tops valleys old trees and lakes
Mountain trout brown rainbow bass waiting
Weeping Willows summer picnics
Safe in the mountains grasp
Small steams crystal clear
Stepping on rocks trying not to fall
Blueberries strawberries mushrooms hunted
Walking sticks carved with magical powers
Keeping daemons at bay
Angel